ready or not.

yesterday it was super foggy.

looking at the photo: i was standing in front of my house, which is two houses away from the house visible on the left.  that should give you some idea of how thick the fog was.

i've kinda been feeling like i've been in a fog, myself.   i was talking to my friend about it the other day and she said she refers to it as "the mommy winter blues".  if it were anyone else, i would agree, but since i constantly analyze people and search for the root issues with people to better understand them, i know it's not that(i really should have gone into psychology or counseling or something).   i know that's not my issue because if you really knew me, you'd know how much i like to hibernate.  to be left alone, no one making me get dressed every morning to venture out in the world, trotting my kids behind me.  i like to be at home.  that use to not be the case, but that's who i am any more. 

this fog, however, is due to something else: deployment readiness. 



let me just say that deployment readiness is an absolute pain.  the military travel is about to drive me mad. 

i hate the changes in our routine.
the little changes like having to vacuum around the packed luggage that permanently resides in the living room.
buying travel snacks without even having to write it on the grocery list.
constantly asking, "will you be home this day", so i can work my calendar events around his schedule...or not including him at all and just living as though he's not here.
having to remind a little boy that daddy is only at work today,
not on a trip-- and vice versa.
clingy kids.
dealing with HIS dogs....and trying to find new homes for them.
(if anyone is interested in a free dog(s), let me know!)

forget the sympathy, the pity, the "poor girl" thoughts, for i'm going to be completely selfish right now and say that i wish he would deploy...tomorrow.

i know that sounds harsh, but all of this waiting around til we are forced into a huge transition is aggravating.
everytime he comes home from a trip, there's some eye opening revelation about his looming deployment.  he's doing this job if he goes here.  he's doing that job if he goes there.  using old uniforms.  issuing new uniforms.  per diem.  no per diem.  in a boat.  on dry land.  on a base.  in a hotel.  it all changes.  it's annoying.  even more important, i don't even care about that stuff.  mostly.  i'm not worried about where he's going or the living conditions.  i mean, i wouldn't care if he were going to afghanistan(nobody panic--since it's pretty dry and lacking water, he won't be hanging out in kandahar or anywhere else in that country anytime soon).  i'm not sitting around worrying about him making it back home from whatever country he'll be swimming around by.  i mean he's a police officer everyday.  if i sat around and worried about him making it home from work each day, there's no way i would have told him to get back in the military!!  that's not in my hands, so i just don't panic about it.   right now i'm just worried about my going mad if he doesn't deploy soon!  this whole 'you're gone, you're back' stuff is draining.  

now, as i sit at the computer, headphones on, my itunes playlist distracting my thought process, i'm wondering if i am actually conveying any of the thoughts that i've been mulling over or if i have completely failed in that task.

i'll just move on to say this.

you know those moments of clarity?

i think for most,

everyday clarity comes with their morning caffeine.

their eyes don't open until that drink hits their mouths.

(or so i hear..i'm not a caffeine addict)

for me, clarity comes from knowing.

we picked up jus from the airport last night,

fresh news about his deployment flying off his tongue.

surprise, surprise.

hearing what he was saying,

letting it sink in...

it was like coming out of the fog and seeing

all the bright colors again.

and though the details could change,

pending on what ridiculous events happen in the

world between now and then,

i now have a better idea of where and what

deployment holds for him.

and knowing that brings me peace.

i like that peaceful feeling.

that peace almost makes me forget that he still has

a long time til deployment. 

almost.

mini vacay.

it's been a whole week and i have yet to really post about our trip.  i've been feeling anti-photo/blogger lately and just haven't wanted to sit still long enough to edit and post.  i haven't even been keeping up with my photo a day project.

i think i'm 5 days behind.

ugh.

well, here goes...

last weekend we took a spur of the moment mini vacay to

see ja and heidi in st. joe.

it was just a few days away,

but it was much needed.

heidi had sent me a text on wednesday saying a girl

at their church was in labor and had asked if i

was going to be out there soon to do photos.

well, sure.

justin was actually in town (he's been gone 20+ days over the last 2 months), and he needed some hang out time with his brother.

karsten always has fun things to show the kids...like a mouse he caught in the woods. :) and then fed to the cat. hahaha.

jason turned on some music and chloe started going wild.
the funniest sight ever, that's for sure.

we had brought along some donuts for the kids to eat on saturday morning.  i love little donut faces.

ja showed off his cooking skills again for us with his mom's recipe for homemade pancakes.  justin quickly pointed out that only A #1 brother had it and he was not given that recipe. hahaha. oh, boys.
(A #1 brother is a term that josh uses to say that his oldest brother is the favored son.  i call josh A #1 brother when he helps us out with stuff, etc.  always brightens his day.)

heidi and i went shopping at our favorite place, rusty chandelier, and found a great chalkboard to use for the newborn shoot that morning.

best $10 i ever spent.

baby camden's parents are teachers,

so it was pretty fitting.

when heidi and i returned to the house,

the boys were losing to the kids.

the little ones were going crazy.

the little ones went to take naps and then the

big boys bonded by playing big game hunter on the wii

and going out into the woods.

it was freezing cold,

so i didn't care to follow them with my camera. :)

the kids got the best gift for christmas...leap frog tag system.
very grateful for that gift!  it's a wonderful travel item.

we brought judy along, too.  she's josh's gps.  i drove on the way out there and since i have no idea where i'm going, i used it.  i've been trying to get use to doing things by myself that i would normally depend on justin to do.  like driving out of state.

our drive back home included 40 mph winds and wonderful clouds.

2010 yearbook.

while we were in missouri this weekend,

our yearbook came in the mail.

very excited!

i'm so happy with how it turned out!

 if you've been wanting to make a book yourself, check out blurb.   the link will take you straight to their book pricing page.  they have great prices, especially if you're like me and have a lot of pages to fill up(this book has almost 150 pages.  my blog book has almost 400 pages, since there are 3 years worth of blogs in it!).

snow, snow, go away.

yesterday most of the snow was melted.  today it's snowing again.  we had about two inches when i woke up.  i shoveled snow for an hour...3 hours later it doesn't look like i did anything at all.  we're at 4-5 inches now.  great.

the kids and i took a short trip over to swanson park and i just happened to take some snow pictures. :)

all dramatic.

everyone says their kids have an imagination.

i could spend hours listening to my friends talk about what their kids pretend they're doing.

but to say my kid has an imagination is the biggest understatement of the year.

i constantly hear she and her brother pretending to be characters

from the wizard of oz, or a disney show.

the big hits around here are dorothy, pirates and high school musical.

today i add one more.

as you may remember, i posted some photos a while back of

emily's dolls that had just lost their hair...

to a 5 year old with scissors.

all because she had just watched 'tangled' and wanted to

see if their hair turned brown like on the movie.

thanks to the wonder that is youtube, emily has seen short bits of the movie more recently, as well as music from it off of my playlist.

i could hear her from my room during naptime banging in the kitchen.

and talking. 

i snuck down the hall to find emily sweeping the floor with the

broom.

fine by me.

and then i also saw something on her head.

her tights. 

she was being rapunzel and sweeping her 'tower' like in the movie.

i just laughed and took her picture.

and then made her go back to her room for nap.

haha.

doesn't she look hilarious??  that "skirt" is a long sleeve shirt, btw.  she needs to be in drama class.  like right now.